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Dont be a one pump chump.

Posted on October 2, 2013 at 5:10 PM

We all know this guy. He walks into the weight room as confident as Floyd Mayweather stepping into the ring against Bethany Hamilton, assuming her arm hasn’t grown back yet. As if the universe offered him no other option, he lets his medium sized, Ed Hardy, tank top guide him directly to the bench press. Needles to say he throws a 45 on each side...because no matter how strong or weak you are it is predetermined that your first set on the holy bench press is with a plate on each side. It’s like playing a meat head version of tetris, and the only peice that fits is that 45. Ending his 1 day sobriety from the bench press he bangs 135 pounds of metal against his Ed Hardy tank 20 times before Joey Chestnut finishes his first hot dog. Now that he has began his warm up he has officially finished his warm up. His next meat driven movement is dependent on sophisticated broscience, backed by the credentials of a 9 unit semester at community college. “So my first set was 135lbs for 20 reps. My next set should progress by 5% in weight and decrease 20% in reps. 5 plus 20 equals 25. 25 reps times 10 protein shakes equals 3 plates on each side for 1 crossfit rep and zero real reps.” Now that his mindless meat skull has calculated the amount of weight needed to make his set as pointless as a handjob it is time for him to get under the bar, dig his heels into the ground, arch his back, drop the weight on his already twice made fun of tank top, and with every muscle besides the chest, complete his one and only rep. Then he proudly stands up next to the bench, looks around to make sure everyone saw his accomplishment, thinks about re-racking his weights but listens to his muscle instincts and says, “fuck that”, goes back to his parents house and tweets “best workout ever #trainharderthanme #1repmax #3platesfordays.”

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